what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
love makes seman taste better
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
