I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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