Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
