I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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