omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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