Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He did a backflip because drugs
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