I cut my penus on the lid.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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