There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
