Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
