omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
