sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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