I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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