So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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