my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
