my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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