haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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