I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
