Sry I called you an 8
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
