Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize