It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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