The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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