ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
