Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
