Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
