I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I pour the whiskey from now on
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
