I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
