My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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