you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
high people should be assigned attendants
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize