Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
