I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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