Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
