we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
