____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
