ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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