so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
