why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
