I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
