I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
