she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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