I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
