She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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