Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
