Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
