bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
