I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Boobs speak an international language.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
