Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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