Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
