I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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