wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
