She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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