I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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