I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
