im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
