I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
