It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
