I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He better not be in your backpack
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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