just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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