We named our party play list daddy issues
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
