It's like a parade of train wrecks.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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