I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
