I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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