i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
