filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
