So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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