I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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